


50 Ways to Leave Your Lover

by Pigeonsplotinsecrecy



Series: MacGyver Create-A-Thon 2019 [1]
Category: MacGyver (TV 2016)
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Breakups, F/M, Mac over analyzing things, Songfic, a little sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2020-05-28 15:26:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19396966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pigeonsplotinsecrecy/pseuds/Pigeonsplotinsecrecy
Summary: Mac contemplates what the best way to break the heart of the person who holds his heart.





	50 Ways to Leave Your Lover

_The problem is all inside your head, she said to me. The answer is easy if you take it logically._

Mac had put Nasha in danger, and he hated himself for it. He thought of her soft hands and sweet smile, and yearned to be in her arms, warm and safe in the oasis of loving and being loved. He could imagine himself living his whole life with her. He’d move across the world for her without a second thought. He thought of how beautiful their children would be. They’d know how to build stuff like him, he’d teach them how in a way his father hadn’t, and they’d have Nasha’s serenity that ability to always handle a situation gracefully. Nasha could keep Mac calm when he got too worked up. Mac could happily grow old with her. If only that was possible.

_I’d like to help you in your struggle to be free. There must be fifty ways to leave your lover._

They wouldn’t need to have an elaborate life. Simple would do for both Mac and Nasha. It sounded gushy, but they didn’t need anything more than each other. That’s how in love Mac was— so in love he was practically writing himself in his head as a character in a romance novel. He hadn’t felt that way with Nikki. Sure, he’d thought he’d been in love, but when all was said and done, he was just in love with the idea of her, and the sex had been hot. Unfortunately, Mac hadn’t actually known who Nikki was. But he knew his darling Nasha well. They hadn’t been together long, but with some people, things just clicked from the second you spoke to them. He was so lovesick, worse so because he knew Nasha and him had to part ways. They didn’t have the future he so desperately wanted.

_She said it's really not my habit to intrude for the more I hope my meaning won't be lost or misconstrued._

Because there was nothing he wanted more than to keep her safe, even if it meant that things between them had to end. He couldn’t live with himself if something happened to the woman he loved in his name. So, really, Mac was being selfish. He wasn’t going to ask Nasha if their love was worth the risk because he knew she would say it was. She wasn’t selfish.

_So I repeat myself, at the risk of being cruel. There must be fifty ways to leave your lover._

She’d end up a martyr for all the things Mac had done, and he didn’t want that, even if she was willing to take the chance, and the sad reality was that Nasha would never be safe as long as she and Mac were together. Maybe Mac was being too much of a worrier, but he certainly couldn’t trust people like Murdoc to stay in jail. People who wanted to hurt Mac could find a way to get to Mac, even if they were in the securest facility known to man, and his worst enemies would know that the best way to hurt him was by hurting the people he loved. He’d be willing to give up his job for her. That would be an easy decision, but quitting wasn’t going to get rid of the people who wanted him dead, and that’s the thought that kept Mac up at night.

_Just slip out the back, Jack, make a new plan, Stan. Don't need to be coy, Roy, just listen to me._

But how was he supposed to tell Nasha it was over? Maybe he should lie. Say hurtful words to push her away because he was a coward, who didn’t like being the one to leave. He couldn’t deny he still loved her, not if he was being honest. He didn’t have to be honest, though. He wouldn’t say he never loved her because that would be too harsh, but he could use a lighter version of that excuse and say he’d fallen out of love, but he wasn’t sure he could force those words out of his mouth. Her image lingered in his dreams, mostly making him desire little things like her smell, smile, or the soft touch of her fingers on his forearm. At the same time, thoughts of her being tied up, tortured, or killed filled his nightmares. He couldn’t bear being the kind of jerk who would tell her that he was leaving her because she simply wasn’t enough for him anymore. Mac had been told that before in a wordless exchange, and there was nothing a person could say that was more heartbreaking than, “You aren’t enough,” or any version of it. No, Mac couldn’t lie to Nasha. She was smart enough that she’d see through it, anyway. Besides, trying to hurt someone you love just to make things a little easier for yourself was cruel, and those harsh words would never go away. They would linger in his mind and Nasha’s until they died. It would too inconclusive, like a book that just stopped after the climax.

_Hop on the bus, Gus, don't need to discuss much. Just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free._

He could tell himself that Nasha didn’t want to make things work with him (which had been her first reaction after she’d been rescued). He could convince himself that breaking up was what she wanted instead of the other way around, but again, that wasn’t so. He could leave and say, “This is what you wanted,” ignoring her trying to tell him that that wasn’t true. That wouldn’t be fair, and if there was a way to ease the breakup, Mac wanted it almost as much as he wanted to give Nasha a thousand kisses as they stared up the stars and Mac traced the constellations for her with his finger.

_She said it grieves me so to see you in such pain. I wish there was something I could do to make you smile again._

Maybe he could tell the truth. Wasn’t the truth always the fairest way of saying goodbye? He could tell her that he didn’t want to put her in danger, and for that reason, they had to end things. He could rationalize that their relationship couldn’t survive the trauma Nasha had faced. That would work, wouldn’t it? He could tell her how much he loved her, but how much would go wrong if they stayed together. He could point to those stars and call them star crossed lovers as he gave her a kiss goodbye. Tragically, breakups were never that easy, and there were two sides to the truth.

_I said, I appreciate that, then would you please explain about the fifty ways_

Because that wasn’t the real truth, not really. Mac wasn’t trying to keep her safe. He definitely wanted her to assure her safety more than he wanted to assure his own safety, but safety wasn’t the heart of why he wasn’t going to at least try to make it work with her. No, the problem was that Mac was afraid. He was afraid of leaving his old life behind and leaving his found family, but those were obstacles he could get over. His real issue was more pathological. He was terrified that someday she’d see that _he_ wasn’t worth it, that he wasn’t worth the worry or danger. That he wasn’t worth loving. He was terrified that she would leave him because he couldn’t keep her safe. He couldn’t give her what she deserved, and maybe it was stupid to think, but he couldn’t help himself from reverting to that little boy whose father left him so many years before.

_She said, why don't we both just sleep on it tonight and I believe, in the morning you'll begin to see the light._

He thought he’d be over it by twenty-eight, but the scars still throbbed, and they were making him turn into his dad— running away for selfish reasons, when things got too hard, with a weak rationale to explain it away. He didn’t want to be like his dad, but he couldn’t stand being left behind like a piece of trash again. He couldn’t handle that constant wondering of what he could have done better. And, in the end, it would be less painful to pine for a relationship lost because of his own doing than one broken by death. He’d blamed himself for his father leaving, and the loss had hurt, but it hadn’t hurt nearly as much when his mother had died. He could hardly remember her now, but that gave him only more to miss.

_And then she kissed me, and I realized she probably was right. There must be fifty ways to leave your lover._

Regardless of the reason for it, he was leaving a woman he loved, and there was no way to make it easy. There was no way to end it without there being grief, anger, and pain. There was no way to erase the loss they each would feel. There was no good way to leave your lover, but Mac was going to leave her, even if when he got home, he’d have to stay curled in bed for the entire weekend, imagining where her body would have been if she was still his lover.


End file.
